The Dart

Exactly when, I wonder, will Irish Rail own up that the Dart is a pile of shite? Constricted by two lines, it’s a haphazard affair populated by overpaid drivers and a timetable that’s about as reliable as Dan Quaye (remember him?) at a spelling competition?

The mandarins at Irish Rail like to tell us that a ludicrous number of Darts arrive or depart on time – 98% of them, to be precise (http://www.iarnrodeireann.ie/dart/home/customer_service.asp ). What they don’t tell you, surprise, surprise, is how that’s calculated. The definition of ‘on time’ is about as loose as a hooker on Benburb Street. To be deemed on time, a Dart only has to arrive or depart at or from a station within 10 minutes of the slot indicated on the timetable. And that’s how (yes, I know you never believed it anyway), such a staggering percentage of Darts are deemed to be on time.

Now, stand at a Dublin city centre platform on any working day, and present these fine statistics to frazzled commuters and you’ll get one of two reactions: a smack in the mouth, or a guffaw. Londoners often like to complain that theirs is the worst transport system in the world. If you know one, bring them to Dublin and they’ll be converted, because surely Dublin’s ranks amongst one the most dire in the western world. They’ll return home humbled.

But it’s not only the timetable that’s the only issue, it’s the overall poor service.

In 2004, Minnie Mouse Seamus Brennan proudly boasted of the 30% increase in Dart capacity by 2005, of the hundreds of millions of euro being spent to acquire new rolling stock (that’s carriages, to you and me).

And indeed, the new Dart carriages did arrive, replete with fancy electronic displays so you know where you’re going, air conditioning – the works. Only, it quickly became apparent that the money had been wasted. No sooner were the spanking new carriages whipping up and down the line (subject to that 10-minute timetable flexibility, of course), than the drivers, technicians, or whoever’s ultimately responsible, had banjaxed, or at least blithely ignored, the fancy equipment (the same Dart drivers who in 2005 sought extra pay to drive longer trains because it entailed “more responsibility” and “greater productivity” – and it wasn’t longer trains that were really needed, it was greater frequency).

If you’re a tourist in Dublin, you have your work cut out. Electronic destination signs and the accompanying innocuous recorded voice announcements, are frequently incorrect. You could hop on a southbound Dart at Connolly, only to be told that the next station is Raheny. How confusing must that be for the visitors sweltering on the Dart because the driver can’t correctly set the air conditioning? What was the point in us paying (as taxpayers, you and I forked out for this too) for all this technology if it’s used so haphazardly, or simply not at all?

And back to the delays again – muffled platform announcements to tell you when trains are delayed and when the next one will be – except no-one can understand a word of it. Almost worse: the automated announcements that are so informative: “The. 18.50. Train. To. (Pause). Bray. Has. Been. Delayed. Due. To. The. Late. Arrival. Of. An. Incoming. Train.” What the hell is that meant to mean to anyone sane? Please, do let me know.